When I grow older, I find it harder to keep things in order, both in
physical life and inside myself. In physical life, it is a bit better actually.
At least there are some works to be necessarily done, and some people to be
loved and treasured. But for my inner self, losing a balance is an easy thing
to happen. I think I am quite a sensitive person. At the same time, I tend to
define and order things. There are different drawers in my mind. Once I fall in
love with something, I hate something, or I have feelings towards something, I
put them into my drawers accordingly. I love to do it this way because I can be
very clear that what different people and matters are to me. This habit maybe
harmful because once I defined something, it takes a long time and effort to
change my mind. And when I am not able to define something, struggles appear
which it always makes me sad or unsafe.
Obsession, calmness, idleness, fantasy...
These four drawers are most dominant in my brain. Maybe you are
interested about what they actually contain. I can list out some of them:
Obsession
– desserts, mushrooms, silver
objects, lover, voices of people, happenings in the past
Calmness
– moon, sky, sea, piano, air,
smell of grass
Idleness
– white noise, rain, mirror,
alone
Fantasy
– the ones I love, my
imaginations
A friend of mine once told me, “You are a person that loves to define
things.” I denied at that time. After some years, I know she was right and she
was able to read my thinking. However, for some reason, we could not be friends
anymore and she was put into my “friends to be deleted” drawer in my mind. But
you know, she was still in the drawer and I still dream of her sometimes…
It is quite dangerous that I tend to define a person at the very
beginning. This is what I did before. It took me years to gradually get rid of
this habit. Human beings are more complicated than I expect, and yes, myself
too. I am still trying to define myself. Sometimes horoscope descriptions and psychological
tests help to define me a little bit. They are even able to mention my inner
struggles. However they never mention solutions. But you know, substances in
the world actually do not necessarily need to be defined. The moon is only a
planet but… it is just too beautiful.
Dec24 2012
This is a piece of writing written by me one year ago. It was probably for a magazine.
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