When I grow older, I find it harder to keep things in order, both in physical life and inside myself. In physical life, it is a bit better actually. At least there are some works to be necessarily done, and some people to be loved and treasured. But for my inner self, losing a balance is an easy thing to happen. I think I am quite a sensitive person. At the same time, I tend to define and order things. There are different drawers in my mind. Once I fall in love with something, I hate something, or I have feelings towards something, I put them into my drawers accordingly. I love to do it this way because I can be very clear that what different people and matters are to me. This habit maybe harmful because once I defined something, it takes a long time and effort to change my mind. And when I am not able to define something, struggles appear which it always makes me sad or unsafe.
Obsession, calmness, idleness, fantasy...
These four drawers are most dominant in my brain. Maybe you are interested about what they actually contain. I can list out some of them:
– desserts, mushrooms, silver objects, lover, voices of people, happenings in the past
– moon, sky, sea, piano, air, smell of grass
– white noise, rain, mirror, alone
– the ones I love, my imaginations
A friend of mine once told me, “You are a person that loves to define things.” I denied at that time. After some years, I know she was right and she was able to read my thinking. However, for some reason, we could not be friends anymore and she was put into my “friends to be deleted” drawer in my mind. But you know, she was still in the drawer and I still dream of her sometimes…
It is quite dangerous that I tend to define a person at the very beginning. This is what I did before. It took me years to gradually get rid of this habit. Human beings are more complicated than I expect, and yes, myself too. I am still trying to define myself. Sometimes horoscope descriptions and psychological tests help to define me a little bit. They are even able to mention my inner struggles. However they never mention solutions. But you know, substances in the world actually do not necessarily need to be defined. The moon is only a planet but… it is just too beautiful.
This is a piece of writing written by me one year ago. It was probably for a magazine.